Knock, Knock
by EulaliaGal
Summary: When the love of your life is right on your doorstep, it's probably not the best idea to slam the door in their face. Unless your name is Kanda Yuu, of course, and said love of your life is one short and very irritating beansprout of a boy. Yullen, AU.


This has been lurking in the backwaters of my fic drawer for ages. I thought I'd might as well put it up, then!

**Title:  
><strong>**Summary:** When the love of your life is right on your doorstep, it's probably not the best idea to slam the door in their face. Unless your name is Kanda Yuu, of course, and said love of your life is one short and very irritating beansprout of a boy.  
><strong>Pairings: <strong>Yullen**  
>Disclaimer: <strong>Not mine.

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><p>Kanda Yuu met the love of his life, one beautiful, snowy day (1).<p>

He then proceeded to threaten them with Mugen, almost decapicate said love of his life, and slam the door in their face.

Let it never be said that Kanda Yuu didn't know how to make an impression. (2)

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><p>(1) In April. It was <em>snowing<em>. In _April_.

(2) I said an impression. I did not specifically state whether this impression was a bad or a good one. If you ever (are unlucky enough) to meet Kanda Yuu, then you can probably tell me that yourself. If you can speak at all, of course. Usually a sword up your arse is enough to stop anyone talking for a very, very long time.

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><p>He remembered that day. It had been abso-fucking-lutely freezing, and he'd been snowed in. No right-minded person would even think of disturbing Kanda Yuu that day. Not when he was freezing his arse off training in the snow. (3) Not when Alma had just lectured him on the importance of having another person in one's life – well, other than Lavi, who just irritated him, Komui, who also just irritated him, Lenalee, who mostly just irritated him, and Mugen, who wasn't even human. But that wasn't the point. He had chewed Alma out anyway, for even daring to <em>think<em> that he needed someone else in his life.

But God once again showed himself as an ineffable bastard, and finally decided to answer Alma's (and Tiedoll's, and Lenalee's, and Komui's, and Lavi's, and Crowley's, and Miranda's, and everyone else who knew Kanda, and, if they did not like him, at least gave a shit about him's) prayers.

In His gracious compassion, He had at last sent down an angelic being; someone who could actually come in close (enough) contact with the temperamental sword-wielding bastard and not suffer (too) mortal injuries.

Said angelic being taking the form of Allen Walker, door-to-door salesman extraordinaire.

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><p>(3) Come snow, wind, or even a motherfucking hurricane, Kanda Yuu would always be found outside at six o'clock in the morning, whatever the weather God had decided to inflict on the long-suffering population, the irritating sod. Even if it was minus seven outside and he always trained half-naked (much to the delight of his teenaged neighbours). Even if he was halfway up to his waist in snow. Even if his ears were going red from the cold, much to his eternal horror.<p>

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><p>Allen Walker was feeling quite pleased with himself. If he could whistle, he would've, but instead he settled with a rather tuneless humming. He had already managed to sell five toaster clocks, six trainers-with-springs-attached and twenty-five beeping keyrings that morning. He was doing well! No one had yet to throw snowballs (or other inedible projectiles) at him – number twenty-two <em>had<em> chucked a carrot at him, though. He'd had to dive to the side to catch it, and he was sure something had broken somewhere on his person. (4)

No one had the heart to tell him that actually, no, they didn't feel the urgent need to own a toaster clock (it tells the time as well as toasting your…well…toast!), or a trainer-with-springs-attached (singular, hand-made! Springs visibly cellotaped on!), or even a beeping keyring (never _just_ lose your keys again! Just lose them and go mad from the non-stop beeping!). But when a white-haired pretty boy is standing right there on your doorstep, trying to sell you crap with the cutest puppy-dog eyes, well…

Allen Walker had not expected anyone like Kanda Yuu to open the door to the Lotus Ark (5). As a matter of fact, Allen Walker had not expected to meet anyone like Kanda Yuu, period.

It had been like love at first sight. Well, kind of.

Kanda Yuu was everything Allen had ever dreamed of. Tall, dark, handsome, half-naked…

Homicidal.

The conversation ran along the lines of every single conversation Kanda had ever had in his relatively short life.

It went like this:

"Hello, how are you today? Would you like to –"

"Shut up."

In short, Allen talked, Kanda got progressively more pissed, Kanda proceeded to threaten him with Mugen. Or rather, he proceeded to shove Mugen, the pointy-killing side, into Allen's face.

At this point, most _sane_ people would be running away screaming about the homicidal maniac of number thirty-seven, Lotus Ark.

Instead, Allen did the unthinkable. Instead of fleeing, he blocked the sword with his left arm and whipped out –

– a vacuum cleaner. (7)

To put it bluntly, Allen was indeed insane. (8)

Still, at least he wasn't dead. The sheer shock of having someone fending him off with a _vacuum cleaner_, of all things, had frozen Kanda for a few brief but vital (literally, in all senses of the word) moments.

It is a widely-held truth that door-to-door salesmen can sell you anything, anytime, anywhere. Even when faced with a hung-over university student on caffeine withdrawal. Even when the nice old granny five doors down chases you across the road with her flowery handbag. Even when a sword-wielding maniac is just about to dismember you in the most painful way possible, and probably cut off your balls at the same time.

So Allen just smiled (though it was, quite understandably, a little strained) and proceeded to exhort the benefits of owning a bottle of second-grade (well, really, second-grade was a stretch. Maybe two-hundred-and-seventy-fifth grade?) sword polish whilst Kanda stared at him in disbelief.

He had never felt such a terrible urge to kill anyone before. Not Alma. Not Lavi. God forbid, not even Komui in one of his super-overprotective moods. He had wanted to decapitate him there and then, but he really couldn't afford the ensuing lawsuit (not when he'd almost gathered all the evidence needed to put that damn Millenium Earl into prison for a long, _long_ time), so he did the next best thing.

He slammed the door shut on the short, irritating, _white-haired_ (what? How old was he, really? Did he bleach it? Did he think it made him look _cool_?) motormouth, and proceeded to make some calming green tea. (9)

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><p>(4) Not the obvious, in any case. Allen's pockets were probably too full of junk – ahem, merchandise, for him to break anything <em>in<em> his body, even if he was thrown from a five-story building.

Oh, wait, sorry. Safety issues and all that rot:

_Kids!_ Do not do this at home. Throwing sisters/brothers/friends/miscellaneous human-shaped objects off five storey buildings is _dangerous_. It is also very messy. The blood gets everywhere. You don't want to be stuck cleaning your sister's/brother's/friend's/miscellaneous human-shaped object's squished body off the tarmac. It takes _ages_ to get off. I should know. I had to resort to a vacuum cleaner.

(5) This was what happened when you took Alma, Lavi, Kanda's credit card, plus miscellaneous potent alcoholic beverages and mixed them all together in one big tub. He hadn't got around to changing the name yet (6) and besides, Tiedoll liked it, the arty-farty old geezer.

(6) The Homebase staff still shrieked simultaneously in a rather tuneful F# major harmony whenever anyone who looked vaguely tall, dark and bishonen walked into the store. This had caused some… minor problems, including fifteen false fire alarms, ten accidental police calls, and the whole store going into lockdown once, when the jumpy new security guard inadvertently pressed the quarantine button because the Italian Mafioso walked in and started threatening people with a sword. Apparently, his boss wanted caviar. No, he didn't care that this was Homebase, and the most food they sold was plant food; he wanted caviar, and he wanted it now, damn it.

(7) It was big, bulky, and basically useless for anything other than hitting debt collectors over the head with.

Allen had decided to call it Crowned Clown. Because it sounded cool.

(8) This was nothing more than a common side-effect of coming into close contact with Marian Cross for any stretch of time.

(9) Contrary to common belief, Kanda actually preferred green tea to bitter black coffee. Just because it was commonly accepted that, yes, Kanda's heart was black as coal and cruel as steel (probably metaphorically, but you never know with these artificial humans), it did not mean his tastes had to match.

Besides, he only ever drank coffee when either a), he was being tied down and physically forced to swallow the bitter brew, or b), it had been a late night, an early morning, and his coworkers were being incredibly stupid.

That said, situation A had only ever happened once in his life (when Tiedoll decided… well, something that included Kanda being tied down and forced to drink coffee), whilst situation B happened, unfortunately, on an almost day-to-day basis.

You could almost forgive him for being a homicidal bastard.

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><p>Of course, he hadn't known that the insufferable beansprout of a boy was to be the love of his life back then. In fact, if you had told him that, that snowy day, that Allen Walker would become the one most important thing in his life (well, other than Mugen. And soba. And green tea. And meditation. And– Well, the most important human thing in his life.) he would have laughed (or rather, smirked in a rather threatening manner). And then proceeded to slice you into rice paper that any Japanese craftsman would have been proud to call his own.<p>

Well, maybe it would be more like Kanda to do it the other way round.

For one thing, Kanda absolutely fucking _detested_ door-to-door salesmen. Only telephone salesmen, carol singers, and Lavi could go any higher on the list of things he though deserved to die a very slow, very painful death. (10) And then go on to be tortured in the most horrific way possible (maybe involving a large hammer, or maybe a flamethrower. Or a blowtorch. Or hell, maybe just Justin Bieber playing over and over in a neverending, torturous loop).

So Kanda tried to forget that irritating little sod. He was only some random ink blotch on the Story of Kanda's Life; there was nothing to get so worked up about.

Still, the boy just would not go away. (Not literally, of course. Allen wasn't _really_ stalking Kanda to the Black Order Law Firm Executive Offices everyday. Oh no. Of course not! Yeah!) It got to the point that Lavi started making comments on crushes and first loves. (11)

It is important to note that Lavi. Was. Most. Definitely. WRONG. Kanda did not feel anything for the boy except for hatred with a burning passion. All he wanted was to know how exactly he stopped Mugen with nothing more than a left arm and a vacuum cleaner, of all things.

…The boy…

The boy – dare he say it? Interested him.

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><p>(10) This list started off: Lavi, carol singers, telephone salesmen, Lavi, Lavi, door-to-door salesmen, Komui on crack, Lavi, Tiedoll in one of his embarrassing moods, Komui in one of his super-overprotective moods, Komui normally, his adopted brothers, Lavi, Tiedoll being an arty-farty pansy, Tiedoll being overprotective (as if he couldn't protect himself), Tiedoll just being himself, and Lavi again. Now, it appeared that a certain white-haired beansprout was due to replace Lavi as King of all Kanda hated.<p>

It comprised of, in short, everything from infinity and beyond except for soba, Mugen, green tea, Mugen, meditation, threatening people, killing people, destroying people in the courtroom, Mugen, destroying people outside the courtroom, soba, making people suffer (preferably using Mugen), Mugen, soba, soba, Mugen, Mugen, and Mugen again. And occasionally Lenalee. Oh yes, and Alma. Mustn't forget the best/oldest friend cum brother figure.

Kanda had a very one-track mind.

(11) These comments stopped mysteriously one day, as the Black Order Law Firm trickled in early in the morning to find Lavi dangling, screaming, out of the third-storey window by his hair.

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><p>This will likely remain a one-shot, as I'm not sure how quite to proceed with it. I do have some ideas for it (including spam mail and phone salesmen), but I'm not sure if this is good enough to warrant a continuation.<p>

What are your views? I'd be glad to hear them!


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